Superman Returns Remakes

Before I left the house today, my parents were watching Superman Returns on dvd. I'll be the first to say that I don't think that Brian Singer exactly got Superman Returns right. But I do admit that the guy had love for the project, and that showed in the end product. Yeah, a bit too much love, but what the heck- it sold and will hopefully bear fruit with better sequels.

It got me thinking though- what if OTHER directors got their hands on the Man of Steel? How would it have turned out differently?

George Lucas
Can you say Prequel? We'd see Krypton at the peak of their civilization. We'd see a young Jor-el, a Knight of Knowledge whose belief in justice and true science eventually puts him at odds with his best friend, the ambitious Lieutenant Zod. There will be crystal sword fights, crystal skating races and a cantina scene with lots of aliens! Oh, we'll get to Kal-el by the, oh, third film. At least, NO KID. Superman, like Jedi, should be celibate. Lex Luthor will continually try to get Superman to turn to... the Dark Side...

Michael Bay
We would have seen a blow-by-blow account of the last day of Krypton, complete with a hundred Kryptonian characters whom we will try to care for but really shouldn't because they all eventually end up as space debris. We'll see hyper-realistic scenes of carnage as those weird crystal buildings collapse into huge, gaping chasms. When we finally get to Superman, expect LOTS of the trademark slow motion walking towards the camera, and lots of glorious pans. Luthor's plot will involve crashing a meteor into the planet! Glorious stuff.

Ang Lee
This three-hour epic will feature two hours solid on young Clark Kent's growth; from his days as an infant and how Ma and Pa Kent developed metal pacifiers and milk bottles to counter his super-teeth, to his early days in elementary school, befriending bullies and going on meaningful trips to the museum. We'll discover the psychology of a superhero is developed through long scenes of gravity and emotion- all before Clark turns 10. Then we'll gloss over the teens and morph into adult Clark and move into martial arts-themed action as Superman leaps (he can't fly, but skim over trees) into action versus his nemesis, Lex Mu Bai, armed with the Green Destiny, a sword forged from Kryptonite!

Peter Jackson
We can look forward to a visual masterpiece, care of WETA Digital. Expect armies of giant robots, fully designed down to their inner circuit boards. Expect Kryptonite to be redesigned ala elven jewelry, and have ten different variants and colors (all of this will be featured in hour-long featurettes on the DVD release). Oh, and aside from Brandon Routh as the Man of Steel's 'face', the actual animations for Superman's movements will be motion-captured and performed by Andy Serkis.

Darn... that Ang Lee treatment actually sounds good... well, at least the last sentence did. What could have been, in another world, in another life. Oh well.